


I'm still drifting with your echoes

by Hi_Sora



Category: Given (Anime)
Genre: Depressed Uenoyama Ritsuka, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Panic attack- not graphic, Suicidal Thoughts, only like once though, this made me sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 11:02:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29732889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hi_Sora/pseuds/Hi_Sora
Summary: Summary? No, but here's an excerpt!He had hoped, in that moment, rather foolishly that the thoughts of Yuki would subside. That the days where the memories are crushing would fizzle out. But with the sweat on his brow, the unheard scream at his lips, Mafuyu realises it was never gonna be that easy.
Relationships: Satou Mafuyu/Uenoyama Ritsuka
Kudos: 22





	I'm still drifting with your echoes

**Author's Note:**

> I absolutely love this anime, it is so heartbreaking and I cannot describe how much I relate to Mafuyu having difficulties expressing himself. Anyway~ I just watched the movie so obviously I just _had_ to write a little something to honour it! Enjoy <3

Since the day Uenoyama first laid eyes on Satou Mafuyu something in him snapped. A tension, a longing for something, something. It was only momentary, easily lost in the burst of anger he felt at the thought of someone sitting where he was planning on sleeping. Its only after, when the first raw notes of Mafuyu’s song reached Uenoyama’s ears that he felt it again. Like the vibration beneath his fingertips as he strikes a new chord, like the thrum of anxiety, of fear, of excitement that pounds through him as the roar of the audience reaches his ears. Its invigorating.

He falls.

From then on, he pays more attention. Mafuyu is hard to read. Face often devoid of any emotion. Maybe it's wishful thinking, then, that when Kurihara asks him how he can possibly know what Mafuyu is feeling, he finds himself answering ‘It’s all over his face’. Maybe the subtle tightening in Mafuyu's jaw, the excited twitch in his fingers and the small twist in his brow is all just a figment of Uenoyama’s imagination, a desperate attempt to comfort himself. Still, Uenoyama can’t find it in himself to believe otherwise.

Its due to this that he finally notices it. The way that sometimes- after a glimpse of blond hair, a laugh that’s a little too loud- Mafuyu’s eyes slowly glaze over. Where his walk stutters just a little and his shoulders hunch in. Its the way that some days Mafuyu doesn’t appear at their steps, sometimes doesn’t even come to school. Its the way he disappears but always comes back with that glowing smile and no explanation other than that small, barely there shrug of his shoulders.

Its starts out as jealousy. Not the longing type, the one where you crave something, yes, but in the gentlest and softest of ways. No, this jealously was harsh and cruel and twisted into a gruesome mess that was bundled up and stuffed right into Uenoyama's heart screaming over and over again that he can never have Mafuyu, not the way Yuki did.

Then they start going out. Then Uenoyama kisses him and Mafuyu confesses. Then, for just a moment, everything is quiet, happy, content…

Until the screaming comes back, louder, harsher and with an entirely new set of words.

_"You will never be enough."_

* * *

It had only been a few weeks since he had confessed to Uenoyama. When they stood at the port and he whispered into the breeze the start of a love he never thought he could have once more. Even now, it brings a small smile to Mafuyu's face when he thinks of the struck look on Uenoyama's face. The way he was so still for oh-so-long until a blush filled his face and blue eyes spun towards him just searching, searching…

He had hoped, in that moment, rather foolishly that the thoughts of Yuki would subside. That the days where the memories are crushing would fizzle out. But with the sweat on his brow, the unheard scream at his lips, Mafuyu realises it was never gonna be that easy.

He skip school. It brings a twisted kind of joy, that the thing that hurts him most that day wasn’t the ghost of Yuki’s breath on his neck but the way his phone never lit up with the name Uenoyama Ritsuka.

* * *

Uenoyama sat on the steps alone and for once it wasn’t comforting, wasn’t calm. Instead he sat, head leaning against the cool concrete alone and trembling. His only coherent thoughts bouncing viciously between ‘please, help me’, ‘please, I can’t breath’. And when it calms, when the tears stop and his breath evens out, the only words that remain is ‘you will never be enough’ and the sick mantra of ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry’…

He wishes Mafuyu had come to school today. He wonders why he didn’t. Looking at his empty inbox, he knows he’ll never get an answer.

* * *

They have band practice later that day. It's awkward and heavy. The disappointment on Haruki's face burns just as much as the way Mafuyu steps away when Uenoyama reaches out. He’s sure none of them believe the half-hearted excuse he throws at them as he packs up and leaves before they even reach the halfway mark. Maybe now, Akihiko will finally move his calculating gaze to someone else.

* * *

Mafuyu’s worried. With the worry comes stress, comes fear, comes more and more memories. It feels like he’s back there again. Pushing Yuki’s door open, wanting to apologise and maybe, just maybe finally figure out where it all went so wrong. He’s in the room again, staring at the limp body of his first and oldest friend.

He screams.

At school, he doesn’t focus. At home, he barely even moves. In the background, past the blurry haze that his life has turned into he sees Uenoyama and wants so badly to reach out and hold him. He knows something is wrong but no matter how hard he tries, he can’t find the words, can’t find the courage. But even in this, even when all he can feel is Yuki’s fingertips along his spine and his grip on his hips, all he can think is that its nice to finally want something he can have.

When he sees Uenoyama again, its been days since the practice he walked out on. His eyes are unusually dim, dark bags hanging beneath them as he drags himself across the school hall. Even then, hidden in the shadows, Mafuyu can’t help but think he truly is beautiful.

(He always destroys what is beautiful.)

They meet up at the steps that day. Mafuyu knows he’s strung up, knows he’s still raw, left bare by the overwhelming emotions of the last few days but he misses Uenoyama so badly, so acutely that he can’t find it in himself to care.

When he shows up, Uenoyama is sitting in his usual spot, feet crossed, eyes closed as he taps out a beat against his thigh. Ethereal. When he hears Mafuyu, his eyes snap open and he jumps up. For a moment it's still. Then he’s hurrying towards Mafuyu, arms reaching out and-

The sound Uenoyama lets out when Mafuyu steps back is heartbreaking. Its raw and so instinctive that it pulls Mafuyu right out of the memory he was stuck in.

(the one where he forgets to keep his mouth shut when his father is around)

It's still too late.

The bell rings and Uenoyama is gone.

* * *

Uenoyama thought that he could never be enough. That he was just a spare, a replacement for someone long gone. He was wrong. He wasn’t even that. He’s only a distraction, a momentary blip in Mafuyu’s life.

He slips into his seat, head in his arms as the tears of shame burn at his eyes. 

Mafuyu is afraid of him.

Afraid.

Uenoyama had never thought about killing himself. Not until today.

* * *

Yuki, Mafuyu knows, always put up a facade for everyone. Loud, brash, always ready to fight. With Mafuyu, though, he was the opposite. All whispers and soft touches. Even having known him for so long, Mafuyu always wondered why he felt like he had to hide himself from the world. Why he thought being vulnerable and being weak was the synonymous. Another part of Mafuyu loved the thought that he was special, that he was the only one Yuki would ever be like this for. He didn’t know how right he was until he stood at the edge of a newly covered grave.

It took him a long time, weeks and weeks to finally realise that in the end, Yuki was to him what he was to everyone else. Loud, brash, always ready to fight. He realised that Yuki had left him way before the moment his name was carved into stone.

He can’t help the sinking feeling that Uenoyama is leaving him as well.

* * *

The following week is filled with too many lingering glances and aborted movements. The gentle lull that was their relationship turned to harsh chords that found its home in every practice that week. By the third afternoon they are standing at the door of the studio waving goodbye. "One week!" Haruki says, a finger wagging towards them, "One week to break through this mental block and then we’ll be back to writing songs in no time". Then he and Akihiko are off, talking and laughing as they march off.

Mafuyu turns towards Uenoyama. He isn’t a very emotional person but at the sight of him his heart clenches. He’s been unusually quiet this session. Now he stands in the shadows, his hair thats just long enough falls over his eyes, hiding them from sight. Still, hair can’t cover the sound of tears hitting the ground.

Maybe its the shock that slows him down, maybe its the rush of nausea that threatens to bowl Mafuyu over when Uenoyama’s tear filled eyes shoot up to meet his own, but when Uenoyama suddenly turns and sprints down the road, it takes Mafuyu a second to follow.

His feet pound steadily onto the concrete below, like the starting beat of a melody. The streetlights above blink quickly past, the guitar on his back heavier than its ever felt, more so then even the memories it carries with it. Ahead of him, Uenoyama turns the corner, guitar swinging perfectly in accordance to his body. An extension of him in a way that Mafuyu can never be.

When Uenoyama finally stumbles, Mafuyu catches up.

* * *

Uenoyama feels the tug at his sleeve. Feels the irony of their position, a perfect symmetry to the last time they chased one another down a street. Another tug, a little more insistent this time and he spins round.

Mafuyu’s face is bright red, his chest heaves as mist curls into the air, filling the space between them. For a moment, he feels happy. It's been a long time since they’ve been this close. That feeling quickly dissipates.

"Tell me" Mafuyu says so softly Uenoyama has to strain to hear it, "what in me is so rotten, that everyone I love leaves. Did I hurt you? D-did I do something wrong?"

He’s trembling now, fingers white where they remain tightly wrapped around Uenoyama arms. He continues his voice slowly getting louder, the tremble in it more apparent as he begins to hyperventilate. "How do I fix it? I’m sorry Ritsuka, I’m so sorry but I-I don't know how to fix it, I don't know how to be who you want me to be. I never know the words, or what to do but I’ll try, I swear it! I’ll do anything, okay? I will so please don’t pull away from me, don’t go somewhere I can’t follow, don't leave me. Please, I can’t-"

Seeing Mafuyu in tears, with his emotions out there for the entire world to see is wrong. Enough so that throughout this whole rant Uenoyama can do nothing but stare in utter shock.

"What are you talking about? You- you think this is on you? That this is your fault? Theres nothing _wrong_ with you Mafuyu-" he says pulling out of the other boys grip "- you-you’re _perfect_ and I- god, I’m the one who should be saying sorry. I’m nothing compared to what you had… but I'm not going to leave you, not until you ask me to."

"Why would I ever ask you to leave?"

"I’m not…him"

"I know you’re not Yuki, Uenoyama. I don’t want you to be." Mafuyu says with such force that this time, Uenoyama hears it all…

_You aren’t some replacement, some way to pass the time._

Just like their first kiss, Uenoyama doesn’t think he just does.

"I love you," he says.

Mafuyu smiles.

"I love you too, Ritsuka"

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> I know the end seems a little abrupt but this is only the start of a very long road of communication and learning to understand each other in their relationship. Both of the took it to themselves to assume things that simply aren't true and the last scene is them learning to communicate rather than bundle it all up into themselves. They do get there eventually.


End file.
